I have often heard this recommendation. I tossed and turned the sentence on all sides, I analyzed, rejected, tried to apply it, failed, tried again.

In business and theoretically, it seems easy: we set expectations and then things go, at least sometimes, simpler. But basically, it doesn’t happen like that. Expectations are sometimes considered implicit, expressed in a laconic way, therefore, each party starts discussing what he/she thinks the other is waiting for.

Then there are frustrations: one side thinks he said what he expected, the other that he understood correctly.

Sometimes, even after better clarification, things still don’t go as they should. Everyone comes with their own filters, with their own baggage, with their own experiences, values, and all these make their mark on the quality of the relationship.

I was talking today with a client about how many people are late for meetings, at work, do not meet deadlines. He tried many times to change the situation but did not succeed too much. In the end, those who are responsible will not be late, they will write down if they had something to finish. Of course, we all have slip-ups, I’m not talking about those cases, but about the situations in which slip-ups become the rule.

Not having expectations seems to me to be a slightly unrealistic aspiration urge.

Let’s think about it:

  • We expect a person who has chosen to do a job, to do it well, responsibly.
  • We expect a manager to plan, coordinate, communicate with the team, to give and receive feedback, to inform them about what is happening, to develop them.
  • We expect a friend to ask us what we are doing, to care about us (and we will do the same).
  • We expect the relationship with a significant other (I don’t know how to name them nowadays) to be trustworthy, respectful, attractive, loving and more from this spectrum.
  • We expect parents to take on their children, partners to support each other and so on.

Imagine the opposite:

I do not expect anything from you, nor to do your job, nor to come on time, to have a relationship of trust, respect, to care, to love me, to respect the deadlines, to respond to messages, etc.

Well, then what are we looking for together?

A relationship, of any kind, requires investment from both parties. The long-term imbalance is damaging, disastrous.

It seems more realistic to me to clarify things, to know what we can give and what not, what we are willing to do, what not, and to decide accordingly.

Otherwise, we risk being Madame Bovary, eternally dissatisfied, unhappy. Unless we are the Dalai Lama. Then what can I say, Chapeau! I bow!