I met a friend who has been working in human resources for a long time. People you do not meet every month but with whom you can have an honest conversation and show your vulnerabilities are rare. When they ask you what your life is like, they really want to listen to you. Many times, people want to hear themselves; asking questions so that you can ask them back and let them talk.
I was told about some people from top management who have been doing executive coaching with someone for several years, but nothing changed. The coach, it seems, had no interest in supporting changes in his/her clients, he/she just needs money! And so this manages to create a customer addiction to the coach, without challenging them too much, or destabilising them.
I realised, once again, how naïve I was. I want to put a mirror in front of my clients, to help them see themselves, to see their facets and of those around them, to know themselves, to better understand others, to be better leaders.
Long time ago, I worked with a client who at some point told me to be careful because not everyone can handle this approach, that some have the approach of the queen from ‘Snow White’: they want the mirror to tell them how wonderful they are.
We all need to receive confirmations, validations, positive feedback. Sometimes we fall in love with our own ideas, we want the people whose opinions matter to us, to validate them, to praise them. However, when we condone only this type of behaviour, a mirror would be good to draw our attention. The risk of surrounding ourselves only with people who massage our egos is high. We will definitely have such people around the company, it is inevitable, no matter how big or small the company is. But to pay for a coach just to tell us what we want to hear, might not be the healthiest choice.
It is worthwhile musing on the following:
Is it ok to pay someone just to agree with me?
Wouldn’t it be interesting to have other perspectives?
Wouldn’t it be more helpful to have a certain degree of ‘healthy disrespect’ towards my own opinions and ideas?
If a coach challenges and bothers me, what part of me felt hurt and why? What are my vulnerabilities? What is the part of my shadow that I do not want to see, accept, integrate?
I believe that a person who agrees with us every time is more toxic than someone who disapproves with us sometimes. The risks are much greater to stew in your own juice if we do not accept the mirror that tells us we are not always God’s gift to this world (by the way, nobody is). Stillwater begins to form water silk, which smells horrible and turns bad.
Let’s take responsibility on both sides – the coach and the coachee. In the short term we may lose; in the long term, however, I hope that ethics and integrity will prevail.