One evening, at the convenience store near my building, I told the cashier that I like her make-up and how it compliments her eyes. Her whole face lit up, she smiled, as if I had given her a present. I told her to always take care of herself, to always be beautiful. Every time I passed by that place she was just as beautiful. Someone validated her, appreciated her.
We all need to be appreciated, seen, heard. We need to calibrate ourselves in relation to other people, to know if we are doing something good, if we need to change something, in order to win their attention. We function in society and therefore we are not isolated. Up to a point this need for attention is normal. It is connected to the attention we received in our childhood and we can see it as a survival mechanism. If we do not receive enough attention from others, we develop a compensatory behavior.
The people who stand out the most are those who have the greatest need of confirmation, validation. The difference between ‘normal’ and pathologic is given by the intensity with which this need manifests itself and the way it affects those around us. The narcissist is the one who received attention and believes they are the center of the universe. The narcissist is the one who says: ‘We talked enough about me, let’s talk about you: what do you think about me?’. It would be interesting to see to what extent this narcissistic behavior has become more significant in recent years due to the influence of social media.
I have been to many meetings with clients over time and heard frequently that people are dissatisfied because they do not receive feedback from their manager; to be fair, mangers don’t receive a lot of feedback, either. In fact, people look to be validated, to find out where they stand, how they perform.
I frequently heard: ‘why should I tell them? I expect them to do everything right, there is nothing special’ or ‘they know they are doing well, why should I tell them again?’ or ‘I cannot say something positive to my employer, that would seem like I sucking up to them’. However, a few good words can do wonders for each of us.
In leadership there is clear need for attention, sometimes exaggerated. This stimulates the individuals to search for those kinds of jobs, being an addiction in its own right; it feeds them, thus maintaining their status. It is sometimes an overcompensation. People with too much need for attention harm themselves and others, most often.
I have also seen situations where people who do not receive enough attention, according to their needs, and end up making mistakes or behaving in an inappropriate manner. Their subconscious makes them behave in a negative way to attract attention. Children could be an example in this sense: they cry excessively, can hurt themselves, can get ill just to get the attention of their parents or adults. The need for attention is one of the engines for which people do things.
I know only one job where you are applauded before you have performed, right from the moment you enter the stage: that of a conductor.
We all know a lot of work goes behind this job. Therefore, even in this case there is a form of validation, of appreciation for a merit: a certain merit we all have on the stage of life, and which we sometimes claim.
