“If only you could see yourself through my eyes. If you listened when I say how much I admire you—not just for everything you’ve accomplished, but because you’re such a responsible, integrous, thoughtful, attentive, sensitive, beautiful, trustworthy person, with a rare kind of self-discipline… If you saw yourself the way I see you, you wouldn’t doubt yourself so much!”
I said these words to someone recently, and beyond her polite thank you, I could read doubt, confusion, disbelief in her eyes.
It happens often—we receive compliments, someone tells us how much they appreciate us, and we hear them, but we don’t listen. The kind words just don’t land the way a single negative comment might.
We absorb the negative immediately and remember it long-term—especially if it comes from someone we care about. But when it comes to appreciation, we suddenly become like non-stick pans—nothing sticks.
Why this conditioning?
There are many reasons. Here are a few:
- Some of us are more prone to melancholy, to neuroticism, to perfectionism. Whatever our makeup, it’s important to be aware and properly aligned with our own being. No one is just black or white—we’re all a mix of colors, shines, and shadows.
- Many of our thoughts were formed gradually, influenced by parents, teachers, and the people we grew up around.
They meant well. They wanted the best for us.
But the way they expressed it left marks—sometimes bruises.
If our parents told us to study so we could live a good life, it was out of love. But phrases like “A 9? Is that even a grade?” or “A 10 is normal, why are you bragging?” may have landed poorly, especially on fragile soil.
Then there are external factors—like social media.
The curated, polished, retouched images feed feelings of inadequacy. They create the illusion that everyone else is succeeding in life—except you.
Someone once told me he felt for a long time like the last person on earth, like he had achieved nothing in life. He was 26, doing what many young people do—working, studying, staying active, pursuing his passions. And yet, he didn’t have a “luxury life” like those he saw online.
Thankfully, he realized that social media is nothing more than a screensaver of others’ lives. Everyone makes their own choices, according to their own values.
So it helps to remember that what people show online are moments, not full stories.
A photo album doesn’t show you what’s behind the scenes.
You’d need a movie of their life to get a full picture.
Major life changes can also trigger that “I’m not good enough” feeling:
A new job. A new role. Going back to school. Any unfamiliar situation where your experience feels too small and the challenge too big.
Here’s a personal example:
When I started tennis lessons again, I felt for a long time like I should quit, like I wasn’t good, like I had two left arms and two left legs. That feeling hasn’t fully gone away—especially since the court next to mine always has someone who plays far better than I do.
But what keeps me going is personal discipline and the decision not to quit.
I won’t be a professional—I know that. It’s not the point.
I also have a coach who encourages me.
At the end of every session, I feel real satisfaction that I took more steps, that I played.
Sometimes, the workplace is the trigger.
When feedback is only negative, when nothing is ever “enough,” when someone constantly tells you that you’re falling short, the little impostor wakes up—and starts whispering.
Often, no one even needs to say anything directly.
That feeling of “not being enough” lives on its own in many people.
This deep self-doubt and fear of being “found out” can lead to enormous emotional strain—anxiety, depression, a constant pressure to be perfect, which ironically, hurts performance.
Impostor syndrome often affects high performers, making them doubt their abilities despite all evidence to the contrary.
It can look like:
- Working excessively long hours—including nights and weekends—to “prove” your worth.
- Ruminating endlessly about past conversations, worrying what others thought. This leads to fatigue, poor performance, and fuels the feeling of inadequacy.
- Secretly wishing something bad would happen—just to have an excuse not to show up for a high-stakes day.
- Attributing any success to luck, timing, or someone else—not your own competence.
Even when things go well, your inner committee of critics is ready to whisper: “You’re not that good. They’ll find out soon.”
Strategies to Tame the Little Impostor
- Explore early experiences – Understanding where the impostor began is crucial. Childhood, family dynamics, and formative relationships shape our self-image.
Awareness is the first step to change. - Bring unconscious patterns to light – Often, deeply rooted thought patterns feed the impostor. Surfacing and challenging them helps create room for healthier beliefs.
- Practice self-compassion – People with impostor syndrome tend to be relentlessly self-critical. Ask yourself: Would I say this to a close friend?
If not, then why say it to yourself? Try offering yourself the same kindness. - Redefine success and failure – Try to internalize your successes and see failures as part of learning—not proof of inadequacy. This means challenging beliefs about self-worth and competence.
- Seek someone who can hold space for you –
I remember my grandmother. When a chick got injured, she would separate it, give it penicillin in water, hold it gently in her hands from time to time—like she was soothing it to heal.
If we are that chick, then who is our grandmother figure?
A coach, a mentor, a therapist—depending on our needs. These people can provide a safe space to explore and reframe.
Coaching and mentoring help us work on present-moment impacts and reformulate how past experiences shape us.
Therapy can help us understand and heal deeper wounds.
And if you’re lucky enough to have a friend who knows how to truly listen, that’s priceless.
But the desire to reposition ourselves, to change our thinking—that is essential for transformation.
I’ll end with a story.
If you’ve seen the film Maleficent, you’ll remember this:
She’s a winged fairy who falls in love with a mortal.
That man—Stefan—cuts off her wings in his hunger for power and to become king.
Her wings symbolized her personal power.
He becomes king, and when he has a daughter, Maleficent curses her: on her 16th birthday, she will prick her finger and fall into a deep sleep. Only true love can break the spell.
After a long journey, Maleficent regains her wings—and with them, her full power.
But who wakes the sleeping girl, Aurora?
Not a prince.
Not a kiss.
It’s Maleficent’s love.
After losing her strength through vulnerability (falling in love), she regains it through personal growth—and by expressing the strongest force of all: love.
So, if someone once cut off your wings—maybe they didn’t mean to. Maybe they didn’t know better.
But it is in your hands—and your mind—to reclaim your power.
To find your Aurora—or maybe several Auroras.
If you want to.
via: Forbes