Someone told me a story I’d like to share.
Two monks were walking along a river. At one point, they meet a woman who wanted to cross to the other side of the river but was afraid of being washed away.
The monks had made a vow never to touch a woman.
The elder, after a few moments of thought, took off his shoes, picked up the woman, and carried her across the water. Then he goes back to his colleague, puts on his shoes and they walk on together in silence. After a few hours, the younger one asks:
“How did you help her across? You broke your oath!”
“Yes, that’s right, I crossed this woman across the river three hours ago, left her there and walked away. But you seem to be hanging on to that subject still.”
We get hung up on some events, some happenings, sometimes for years. Someone said something, raised their voice, it bothered us, the other moved on, but some get hung up on that moment in the past. I’ve had situations where someone says “five years ago you told me that”, “three years ago you didn’t look at me”, “you’ve been late three times in the last four years”. I always think about what must have been in that person’s mind and soul in 3-4-5 years of interacting with me, how they let something grow and intoxicate them.
When we get hung up on a situation, a real or perceived injustice to us, I think it’s more hygienic for us, for the relationship, to fix it. Not aggressively, not immediately, not vindictively, but assertively, diplomatically, elegantly, respectfully. It’s good to understand the other person’s perspective, to question our assumptions, to say what our perception is, how we felt. Clarifying situations is an act of relational and emotional hygiene. Otherwise, it’s like a splinter in our finger, we leave it there to fester, we keep complaining that it hurts, we behave like a spoilt child who unfortunately ends up irritating everyone.