“Many of us and – have said at least once in our lives: “what if I’m not good/good enough?” “what if I’m not going to do well?”, “how do I know I’m doing well, that I’m good?”
We are dealing with what is called “imposter syndrome”. It was identified in 1978 by two US psychologists, Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes. What does this syndrome involve? A feeling of permanent doubt, a sense of unworthiness, fear of being exposed, difficulty in owning one’s own achievements. And, if you think it’s understandable if it occurs among ordinary people with no remarkable achievements, well, Albert Einstein himself thought he didn’t deserve all the attention he was getting!
Psychologists say that 75% of people are or have been, throughout their lives, under the tyranny of this impostor syndrome, believing that others are better than they are, know more than they do. This comparison with others generally stems from childhood, when messages from parents, perhaps even early teachers, were along the lines of “how did you get that grade? How can the others get higher grades?”
Of course, no one meant to smear distrust in the future adult, on the contrary, I would like to think the intentions were good. Parents and teachers want all children to succeed, to study, to be competitive.
But the child’s fragile background may perceive that he or she is really not as good as others, not worthy of validation, appreciation, parental love. And these feelings are like weeds in a field – they take root, spread all around, and don’t die with one or two.
Studies show that some categories are more prone to suffer from this syndrome. Women are one such category. In more traditional societies, society’s expectations of women may be lower in terms of performance, and their capabilities may be undervalued. Thus, they may experience feelings of inadequacy more often and find it more difficult to own their achievements.
Young people may also suffer from this syndrome more often than experienced people. With age comes some confirmation, people gain more confidence in their abilities. This does not mean, however, that we cannot meet young people who are more competent than someone older. But however competent they are, people can carry this undermining fear with them.
But there is good news: it seems that people with impostor syndrome are extremely concerned about the quality of what they do. The fear of not being good enough can make them more thoughtful, empathetic, sensitive to others, and concerned with continuous learning.
Recent neuroscience studies show that if we say something to ourselves, our brains perceive those statements as strongly as those said by someone else. For example, if I say to myself, ‘I’m no good’, the brain will give the same weight as a statement made by someone outside as if it were threatened. When we feel threatened, we go into one of the fight, flight, scared phases. But it is essential to understand that it is within our power to change our internal speech. The committee of critics in our minds can be redirected or silenced.
What can we do? Here are some ideas.
It’s important to find our own ‘internal coach’. Mind you, not the ‘internal critic’. This critic is not our friend. I know, it’s not easy; some of us even have a committee of critics, as I said above. It helps to think of ourselves as a friend and to support ourselves as we would support a loved one. A good exercise is to remember the child we were, to visualize it. If we met him or her now, let’s imagine hugging, admiring, loving, protecting, encouraging them. That little wonder deserves all our love, trust, care, support. That little wonder still exists within us and it’s never too late to show them all these feelings.
Let’s look at pictures of ourselves from times when we were happy, happy to have achieved something, however small. It can be personal or professional. It’s important to reconnect with our state of wellbeing at the time, to learn to identify situations where we felt successful or comfortable, at ease.
It’s also good to distinguish between what we can control and what we can’t. Some contexts are beyond our influence. It doesn’t give an indication of how good or bad we are.
The person who considers themselves an impostor believes that they gave little influence over their own success, which shows an external ‘locus of control’, instead they believe that they have a decisive role in their own failure. Usually, any personal success contributes to a good self-image because it supports the impression of performance, of competence, while failure weakens self-esteem.
So it is easy to imagine the negative impact of any failure on someone who sees themselves as responsible only for failures, not successes.
It helps to talk openly about the fear that ‘our secret’ will be found out, that someone will realise we are no good. It is essential to clearly identify what this ‘secret’ is. Then to find that group of people with whom we can be honest, vulnerable. When we start to let this ‘secret’ out, it starts to lose its power, little by little. Not right away, it’s a long process. It’s good to be patient, to trust that transformation will happen, if we work intentionally.
Let’s develop our generosity and congratulate others when they do something, however small, encourage them. When we admire someone, when we are impressed by something in another person, let’s tell them, not just think it. By helping others, we help ourselves.
Let us strive to see the good in others and treat them accordingly. It is said that if you treat someone as ‘the best version of themselves’, the chances of that person becoming that version increase dramatically. This phenomenon is known in psychology as the ‘Pygmalion effect’. It’s like in the film My Fair Lady, where Professor Henry Higgins, a snobbish linguist, bets that he can turn a plain florist, Eliza Doolittle, into a London socialite by simply teaching her to speak with an upper-class accent. His experiment succeeds. What’s more, the British Pygmalion (Pygmalion is the very title of George Bernard Shaw’s play, which forms the basis of the film) falls in love with his own work, just like in mythology.
One exercise we can do is to ask a few friends and colleagues to write to us or tell us what they appreciate about us. Sometimes we don’t see our side of the light precisely because we don’t trust ourselves, our shadow is too big and we forget that beyond the clouds there is always sunshine.
If we don’t succeed on our own, we can turn to a therapist, a mentor or a coach. It helps, in most cases, especially as this fear that we are no good and that we might be exposed has been built up over years; it takes a long time to deconstruct it and build something better for ourselves in its place.”
via: Forbes