‘He broke up and made a fool of his parents, what are the neighbours going to say?’
‘Quit wearing pants, dress more nicely, in a dress, like a city girl’
‘Put on some jewellery, so you do not look like a poor girl, to embarrass us’
‘Move to that neighbourhood, buy a property in the north side of the town, to keep up with everyone else’
Maybe you heard such comments. They tell the story of the need of people to belong to a certain group, to have and keep up an image, to be approved by the tribe, and to show who they are. In the same category lie business cards on where every possible title is written: BA, MS, PhD, EMBA, ACC, PCC etc.
I’ve always wondered who that person would be if they did not have that business card, who is the person behind it. Alain de Botton talks about status related anxiety. A quick search will reveal that status related anxiety is defined as a constant tension or fear of being perceived as being unsuccessful by society, in materialistic terms.
There is great pressure, indeed: from society, explicitly to the individual and from the individual to themselves, having as benchmark the collective image of success.
Social media has shown us in recent years only beautiful people, well proportioned, with lives to showcase: him with muscles, ‘packs’, her with lips, bottom, breasts, photoshopped, young, with a lot of money, luxury houses, dream vacations, the most beautiful children, well behaved and smart, having that perfect life, where it seems that no one works.
Clothes, cars, the largest house, in the fancy side of the city, exotic vacations, these are some markers of status. It was important to get out of a large car, preferably electric, with a bored and slightly dissatisfied look, all dressed in brands, to strive to look cool. There was a need to be seen in certain locations, to be part of a class.
This crisis has made many of us work from home, be in front of our screens, unable to showcase our cars, mansions, glasses, belts, purses with different letters of the alphabet on them (am I just envious, I wonder? 🤔)
The crisis has made us uniform. The pandemic revealed who we are beyond the brands we display, beyond our cars. In front of the screen it’s just you, with what you have in your head and soul. No more polish.
What do the neighbours say? They are not saying anything. However, social media is still saying: do you have a garden or not? Do you have a leaving room large enough to use your electric scooter or is your whole house only 50 meters big? ‘The neighbours’ from long ago have moved to social media and become your daily followers.
This pursuit to show who we are, to be defined by what we own, by how much, is a road that does not necessarily lead towards balance and happiness.
To alleviate this status related anxiety, I propose:
Define whatever you want, what makes you happy, beyond trends
Analyse what looks good on you, do not buy clothes just because you want to look like the Kardashian sisters
Trust in who you are, in what you are, regardless of the things you own. The slippers with fur cost a lot, they are tawdry, they quickly go out of fashion. The investment in who you are, how intrinsically good you are, is something that will not go out of fashion.
Do not forget that no matter what you do, your neighbours and social media followers will nevertheless still comment. You will not be able to please everyone, not everyone will like you. The most important aspect is to be in balance with yourself and the close ones who really matter.
The pursuit for the appreciation of your status is a road down to misery; maybe not around the corner, but surely it is there.