‘I’m dissatisfied with some things but it does not make sense to tell the people in question, I don’t want to upset them!
It’s no big deal, I can live with these frustrations!
It’s not my job to tell them what bothers me about them! Let the manager tell them or let them find out themselves!
I don’t want to ruin my relationships with my colleagues/ relatives/ friends, telling them what bothers me!
In any case, nothing will change, why should I waste my breath?’
We hear such statements quite often. Many of us complain about others, about various situations, but when it comes to solving the issue, to clarifying things, we take a step back. It is difficult to confront another person. Here are some of the reasons why it is difficult to sort potentially sensitive situations:
We were educated rather in the spirit of keeping the peace no matter what: not to argue, to keep quiet, to turn a blind eye, not to make ourselves look bad, not to embarrass ourselves.
There were situations where, whether in school or at home, as children, we were judged, stigmatised, maybe hurt, because we dared to confront somebody;
We are afraid that we might get hurt, that we might not be right;
We want ourselves to be seen as agreeable, pleasant people and to be appreciated and loved by those around;
We have the belief that by avoiding clarification, confrontation, we maintain the delicacy of our relationships;
We confuse clarification with conflict (maybe our history showed us that trying to clarify things leads to conflict);
In a podcast by Esther Perel I listened to recently, someone told a story of how in the American army, passive-aggressive behaviour is discouraged; if there are problems, they have to be solved immediately, otherwise these is a major risk of people dying.
In our everyday relationships, at the office or at home, we do not solve the situations of dissatisfaction, frustration, we live with them, we avoid verbalising them many times. It is true that this will not create any casualties. People won’t die. However, our relationships die, and small parts of each person. A part of the individual withers, and trust in others fades, little by little, with each situation.