There has been a lot of talk in recent years, since Brene Brown launched her book “Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead”, over how important it is for managers to show their vulnerability. I dare say it is a double-edged sword. It is necessary for managers, CEOs, to balance how much vulnerability and how much power or strength they emanate; otherwise, there is a risk of being considered weak or lacking self-confidence. I would rather say that in the act of leading, vulnerability is like the salt we add to food – if we do not add it, it has no taste, if we put too much, it becomes disgusting; or as perfume is to an impeccable attire – it makes it remarkable and unforgettable.
While at dinner with a CEO I was working with a few years ago, I asked him ‘how are you, how are you feeling?’. In a rare moment of honesty and vulnerability he said: ‘I am doing well, considering how stressed I am’. We had known each other for many years, however, that was one of the rare moments of vulnerability he showed. Otherwise, like the majority of people in these kinds of roles, he had an image to keep.
The responsibilities of such a role come with a lot of concerns, sleepless nights, headaches, physical pain, nightmares. The psychological pressure can lead to emotional states that few people can understand. Of course, the role of CEO comes with many benefits that we would like to have. However, it also comes with many sacrifices and the feeling of loneliness. The higher you are in the organization, the more you will be surrounded by people how will tell you what you want to hear (or what they think you want to hear). It is very difficult to keep your balance, rational thinking, to look beyond what people tell you.
Cultural studies show that, in Romania, power distance is quite vast. No matter how much the CEO tries to get close to their employees, they will always be sensitive to what is written on their business cards. Someone once said about her manager: ‘she should not believe that the employees can be her friends’. Maybe because, after all, people know in which hands the final decisions fall. No less true is the fact that decisions are influenced by results, behaviours and attitudes of employees. I am talking now about the cases that become ‘normal’ over time, and not about those with narcissistic, manipulating CEOs, blinded by power, who unfortunately exist.
The distance is too big also because people are envious. I have heard many times the question: ‘Why him/her and not me?’ ‘Why is someone else being chosen/promoted?’
We all need feedback, we need to calibrate ourselves in relation to others, including the CEO. Resentment or envy create unproductive behaviours, which rarely enable a CEO to benefit from an objective feedback. I have heard people say: ‘I can’t tell him/her something nice, it might seem as flattering’. People will not tell him/her, no matter how much good he/she does.
There are other situations where people try to hide something negative, some bad results, so the CEO would not find out. Concealing the truth leads to the loss of trust in people. Thereby, the CEO will not know when the truth is spoken or not.
I think a CEO is some kind of container for many anxieties, issues, uncertainties, negative feelings that people project onto him/her. Usually, people do not talk about these things, they try to keep them under control, to seem calm, dedicating even more time to the company. They usually sacrifice their relationships with family and friends, where we all expect to be understood.
What are questions that a CEO should ask themselves:
To what extent am I going to be understood? If we contain many anxieties, who contains us? How do we detach from the pressure that comes with the job?
Studies show that some CEOs end up having deviant behaviours (which involve alcohol, sex, drugs); others, with a different level of maturity, hire an executive coach who plays, among others, the role of the container.
A few things a CEO could do to counterbalance the feeling of loneliness that comes with the job:
To find a mentor from the industry or another industry.
To be part of an association, to go to meetings with similar people.
To hire an executive coach.
To have some habits to relax, and to practice them as rituals (sports could be a solution; dinner with the family/friends every Saturday or Sunday)
To get close to employees, even if it is not easy for them, or natural, to smile, to say thank you, to ask how they are doing. A client of mine from a while back, the CEO of a large company, smiled every day when he entered the office and asked those he met how they were doing, shaking their hands. There is a saying :’It takes two to tango’; in the case of the CEO, they have to set the tone for everybody to follow.