For many years now, I have been alone for the holidays. There were years when it was hard for me, when my loneliness seemed to hurt. I knew I had chosen it to be so; I knew it was better for me for the rest of the year; but, during the holidays, it felt as if someone put a mirror in front of me and in it I would see my loneliness, all my flaws, a mirror which showed all the aspects of my life in bleak colors. Then all these went away and I would forget about it for months; I lived my everyday life, making all sorts of plans, going abroad a lot, buying all kinds of objects, reading enormously, working a lot – and Christmas came again, and then New Year’s.
In fact, I have never liked this period. When I was little I thought there was too much fidgeting to prepare everything for a few days in which we would receive some gifts (what could these have been in the time of communism?). We would eat, sit around and ‘enjoy’ Christmas, happy that another year had gone by…
For years after I broke up, when I would write my ‘New Year’s Resolutions’, I would put on top of my list: ‘Feel good by myself’.
I have read a lot, I have been to various psy; I have studied, I have talked to many people from many countries; I have traveled and discovered many things about others and about myself; I have worked with many people and I have done everything in my power to help them (also helping myself in this process). I have reached the point where I am okay with myself, I am okay with celebrating the holidays on my own.
Of course, I see that there have been people in my life by whose side I stood when they were alone and they needed me – but who then forgot about me, did not keep in touch when they were alright; of course, I see how few people write you a message when you are alone; or that the phone does not ring, because everyone around you is busy.
But these things no longer bother me. I see them rationally, I accept them – and I mind my own life.
It would be lie to say that such things have not hurt me; or that I have not had moments of revolt (inside revolt, rather); maybe it is natural to feel hurt when you see that some friend, whom you have spent a long time listening to, forgets that you have ever existed when she gets a boyfriend, a husband, a significant other.
I have understand with time that people can only see themselves. Maybe we are all like that…