This is a message I saw on a call with one of our clients and I loved it. Especially since I’ve been thinking lately about topics like silence, listening.
On one of the planes I recently traveled on, I was (un)fortunate enough to run into a few people who were quite noisy for my taste. They talked loudly, they didn’t listen to each other, they didn’t care about the people around them. You know, the ‘the whole world is mine, I do what I want and I only care about myself’ attitude.
The time on the plane is very precious to me. I don’t get texts, emails, calls. I don’t drive myself. I can detach myself from everything and I feel like I see things more clearly, more coldly, I’m more creative.
Maybe my introverted preference has a heavy say here too.
Or maybe that quiet time counts because here on earth I’m so “affairée”, caught up in so much, that I rarely find oases of calm in a week.
Since I couldn’t use that time to its fullest, I thought I’d observe those people’s behavior. Beyond the lack of respect for the other passengers, it amazed me how much they can talk without breaks, without time to think, without moments of respite.
Yes, I know, I’m at the opposite pole, that’s not good either. To the talkative it seems that we who observe and are silent have nothing to say, or we don’t think, or we are so slow that life passes us by or who knows what else.
But I was reminded of my teacher at Insead, Manfred Kets de Vries, who told us that we have two ears and one mouth precisely so that we listen more and speak less.
But this listening is a challenge for many.
Listening is the basis of good communication. Many people complain about poor communication with colleagues, partners, and bosses but few ask themselves what they can do better in that relationship. As Jacques Salome said, a relationship binds two people; each is responsible for the end or that relationship. For the bond to work well, it’s important that everyone takes their share of responsibility. To understand what the other person wants, it is essential to listen.
There are many levels of listening:
Cosmetic listening – we don’t really listen, we just pretend, our minds are elsewhere, we pretend to be interested;
Conversational listening – we engage in conversation, listen, talk, think, talk, etc.
Active listening – very focused on what the other person is saying, we retain facts, we are receptive.
Deep listening – more focused on the other person than the self, we are aware of the content and atmosphere, the ‘music’, the tone of the discussion, we seek to understand beyond words.
It is already known that our non-verbals account for 65% of face-to-face communication.
We express agreement or enthusiasm when we smile, nod affirmatively, lean forward, maintain eye contact, have an open posture towards the other person, speak faster;
We express confusion or disagreement when we frown, lean back, keep our lips pressed together, speak slowly, have a closed posture towards the other;
Express boredom, apathy, lack of interest when yawning, not making eye contact, showing signs of impatience, lack of concentration, attention, delayed responses.
Being caught up in the daily whirlwind, with goals upon goals, it is understandable that we are not models in listening and in the short time we find in a meeting, we try to put our best foot forward, to be as vocal as possible. Often we also do something that gets on some people’s nerves: we finish each other’s sentences. We think that this shows that we know what we’re doing, that we’re paying attention, that we have ideas. In fact, we run the risk of jumping to conclusions. We finish their sentence but we don’t know their mind. I could also say that our ego gets in the way, that it wants to come out, to be heard speaking. Narcissistic predisposition can play tricks on us and we forget that when we want to show how much we know, we show too little wisdom, unfortunately.
Here are some ideas for practising deep listening:
Focus on listening and processing information rather than speaking;
Keep the goal in mind: to understand the other person as well as possible;
Mentally record facts and observations to use later;
Acknowledge to the other that you are listening by: sounds, gestures, expressions;
Actively seek to understand, ask clarifying questions, come up with conclusions, observations;
Pay attention to non-verbal communication: is it in sync with what is being said?
What is not being said? What gaps are there?
What do you feel? Use yourself as a tool to gain deeper understanding.
I am reminded of a story Professor Kets de Vries told us in class:
Four monks set out to meditate together for two weeks in total silence. For the ritual, they lit a candle. On the first evening, a breeze blew out the candle.
A monk said: ‘Wow, the candle is out!’
The second said: ‘We mustn’t talk!’
The third interjects: ‘but why did you two have to break the silence?’
The fourth also says: ‘Look, I’m the only one who hasn’t spoken!’
Exactly, as the Romanian would say, ‘if he was silent, he would have remained a philosopher.”
via: Forbes
